It's just not the same...

Tonight is the first night that you weren't home when I returned. It's too quiet...this doesn't feel like home. Our home is filled with random noises of you playing poker, or me pounding away at my keyboard, and the constant laughter between you and I. The only sound I hear is Saki's heavy paws wondering the house, searching for you. I had to add a noise; a noise that is familiar. I looked to my left for your computer. It was not there. I was hoping to play some of your music that puts us to sleep, but I'd have to find another solution. As I searched the room, there was your guitar. Oh how I wish I could do anything more than an ear curdling strum. I can not sleep. I don't even want to walk up those stairs and into our empty bedroom. That bed is too big for me alone. Maybe I'll join you on the couch. I know that oh so many miles away you are doing the same. Tonight I will rely on our overstuffed sofa to hold me tight. Of course, it could never be the same. Your arms hold me as though I was leaving. These pillows are more like your drunken arms; nearly pointless. I know that when I do finally lay my head down on this pillow I will fall asleep, and I'll wake up in the morning feeling the same emptiness. It's days like these that make me sure that nothing is the same without you...

Tattoos...

Lately, Paul and I have been discussing tattoos again. He can't stand his tribal band on his arm and would like to have a bigger tattoo take it over. I always said I'd never get one because I wouldn't be able to commit to anything. Well, a year and a half ago it hit me. I'm named after a flower; a flower with a ton of meaning behind it to boot. When I began to look at pictures of this Scottish flower I found a ton of images that only discouraged me...and then I came across this story. Apparently, my mother did a really good job naming me. I couldn't think of a better name for myself :) Here's the story:

When God first made the world, He looked at the bare and barren hillsides and thought how nice it would be to cover them with some kind of beautiful tree or flower. So he turned to the Giant Oak, the biggest and strongest of all of the trees he had made, and asked him if he would be willing to go up to the bare hills to help make them look more attractive. But the oak explained that he needed a good depth of soil in order to grow and that the hillsides would be far too rocky for him to take root.
So God left the oak tree and turned to the honeysuckle with its lovely yellow flower and beautiful sweet fragrance. He asked the honeysuckle if she would care to grow on the hillsides and spread her beauty and fragrance amongst the barren slopes. But the honeysuckle explained that she needed a wall or a fence or even another plant to grow against, and for that reason, it would be quite impossible for her to grow in the hills.
So God then turned to one of the sweetest and most beautiful of all the flowers - the rose. God asked the rose if she would care to grace the rugged highlands with her splendour. But the rose explained that the wind and the rain and the cold on the hills would destroy her, and so she would not be able to grow on the hills.Disappointed with the oak, the honeysuckle and the rose, God turned away. At length, he came across a small, low lying, green shrub with a flower of tiny petals -some purple and some white. It was a heather.
God asked the heather the same question that he’d asked the others. "Will you go and grow upon the hillsides to make them more beautiful?"The heather thought about the poor soil, the wind and the rain - and was not very sure that she could do a good job. But turning to God she replied that if he wanted her to do it, she would certainly give it a try.
God was very pleased.
He was so pleased in fact that he decided to give the heather some gifts as a reward for her willingness to do as he had asked. First, he gave her the strength of the oak tree - the bark of the heather is the strongest of any tree or shrub in the whole world. Next he gave her the fragrance of the honeysuckle - a fragrance which is frequently used to gently perfume soaps and potpourris. Finally he gave her the sweetness of the rose - so much so that heather is one of the bees favourite flowers. And to this day, heather is renowned especially for these three God given gifts.


And then I found one image that inspired my drawing:



Here's the finished product:



It's a little bigger than Paul's hand and designed to grow from the side of my hip bone up, wrapping up my side. Now, a year and a half later, I think I'm ready. But that word think worries me. So, I'll keep pondering it. Maybe I'll frame this drawing to see what happens...Of course I couldn't think of a better thing that defines me so perfectly, and I drew it myself. Ehhh decisions...

Kindly Keep Your Words to Yourself, Please.

So, I joined this contest to be the face of E.l.f. Cosmetics and I'm in the top ten...which is all that really matters. I contacted the admin of a group on Facebook for my high school and asked if he would help spread the word for votes. In the process, I have had a TON of positive support along with a few super nasty comments here and there. Surprisingly, these comments came from an older bunch (40's & 50's). Now, this isn't by any means my first experience with this. Some people feel that it's necessary to add their own words to my story. Well it's not.

This draws the question...WHY?? Didn't your mother ever teach you? Mine did. "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." Simple as that. Don't these people realize that they are only flattering me? By taking the time out of their lives, in attempt to bring my own down, they do not succeed. People like this are the reason why this world is less fruitful. I wish them the best, they obviously need it.

I'm not saying I've never said anything nasty, but with maturity comes the understanding that it's just not worth it. I have learned not to say nasty comments to anyone. You never know how bad of a day they may be having. I live to brighten people's day, not sour their dreams.

Senses

Floating

I don't need you to keep me afloat.

It's when you finally realize that he's not something you need...but something you want to have by your side that you know you've found the one.

You know you can float, live, even soar, without him, but you crave the presence of his being. Just being with him, in silence, is enough. It's more than enough to keep you absolutely thrilled with just being alive.

Life is Good

I've always heard that living by the water changes you...changes the way of life. I never really believed it until now. I have no idea why, but things are good! In every way, my life seems to be filled with nothing but highs. The lows that would creep in, even the total lack of drive, they're gone. It's like the soundtrack of my life has switched from Les Miserables to The Technicolor Dreamcoat. Amazing.

True Story

I can't remember the last time I was feeling down but I definitely couldn't agree with this more. Paul always wondered how I did it...

Believe me I can fly...

To the End and Back

So, today I had the brilliant idea of running to the end of the beach and back. Let's just say I had NO idea how long it was. I think I was running/walking for about an hour to and hour and a half but I forgot to look at the time before running out the door. Several times I wanted to give up and turn around but I wouldn't let myself. I've been way too lazy lately and I wasn't about to let it stop me this time. This was probably the hardest I have ever pushed myself...and I did it. I actually made it to the end and back! Of course I was drenched and covered in sand, complete with some awesome tan lines. It turns out the distance covered was nearly 8 miles!! What the frack was I thinking?!?!

Hey...at least now I know I can do it. I've never gone further than 3.5 miles on a treadmill and this was on sand! All I'm saying is that if you really want to push yourself, create a mid point goal. I could have never made it if I hadn't really wanted to see the end of the beach :)

Shower time!!

One Life

Just the thing I needed...

Yesterday I had my first photo shoot in a while. The shoot was a test shoot for a small jewelry company in Richmond and was soo much fun. Miguel, the photographer, was so knowledgeable about how to model jewelry so I really learned a lot. I can't wait to shoot with the actually company!! The image above was his favorite out of everything we shot. This is straight out of the camera and I think it's just stunning :) This image doesn't really show what he taught me but we still love it!

I really needed this shoot to kick my butt back in gear. Miguel and I had been talking for months to try to set something up. Unfortunately, I found myself in a super lazy state and just couldn't commit to any shoots in September. Now I'm totally ready to start shooting again.

I have another shoot tonight in downtown Norfolk. It's a group shoot so this should be cool! Stay tuned :)