Broken

This state we are in is not satisfying...It began when we returned to Richmond; a story that was told in my dreams and stressed over until it became a reality. Why is this city that we call home, and grew to love and miss, so bad for us?? What is it about this town that makes you throw up barriers so hard to be broken down? I asked you the other night, after a week of odd behavior, if you still loved me. Your response was one that I never could have expected, although better than the latter. I find myself in a state of depression which is so unlike me; sleeping every chance I get, just to keep myself preoccupied from deep thought. You say I am naive...and that just may be the case, however I think much differently than you, my love. We were much better than before. You only think mathematically in terms of sex, when I look at the whole. Your affection is weak...and has been since we first broke up. I reminded you of how we were years ago and I know that you agree. Your stubborn mind won't allow you to admit, but you broke my heart more than once and it was broken two nights ago. You say we need to work on things...I've started. Have you?

Charm

I'm glad I let you go, my love
You see
You and me
We weren't always right together
But we were always meant to be

Anniversaries...

Out of the blue, Paul looks at me tonight and says, "It kinda sucks...We don't have an anniversary." I chuckle and respond, we don't need a date. You see, we have everything we need just knowing we're happy together. He then suggests we break up and get right back together and make today our anniversary. I really can't stress it enough...but I seriously love this man.

Those 3 Words

I got a random text from my love today. It read, "I love you." So short...yet it made my day. You see, today was a stress filled, nothing goes right day. These days are few and far between for me. I know this seems silly. After all, it's typically such an overused three words. In our case, it is not. We say these words in other ways and I like it that way. But damn...today it was nice. He's been reading my mind all day and I couldn't have needed it more on a day like today.

It's just not the same...

Tonight is the first night that you weren't home when I returned. It's too quiet...this doesn't feel like home. Our home is filled with random noises of you playing poker, or me pounding away at my keyboard, and the constant laughter between you and I. The only sound I hear is Saki's heavy paws wondering the house, searching for you. I had to add a noise; a noise that is familiar. I looked to my left for your computer. It was not there. I was hoping to play some of your music that puts us to sleep, but I'd have to find another solution. As I searched the room, there was your guitar. Oh how I wish I could do anything more than an ear curdling strum. I can not sleep. I don't even want to walk up those stairs and into our empty bedroom. That bed is too big for me alone. Maybe I'll join you on the couch. I know that oh so many miles away you are doing the same. Tonight I will rely on our overstuffed sofa to hold me tight. Of course, it could never be the same. Your arms hold me as though I was leaving. These pillows are more like your drunken arms; nearly pointless. I know that when I do finally lay my head down on this pillow I will fall asleep, and I'll wake up in the morning feeling the same emptiness. It's days like these that make me sure that nothing is the same without you...

Senses

I want to lie in bed with him all day…

and search his body for scars and watch his mouth as he tells me the stories of they came to be. I want to kiss his freckles and run my fingers through his hair and I want my feet to find his when we sleep. I want to wake up with his arms around me and his face nuzzled in my neck. I want him to slowly tickle my back and my ribs and the insides of my arms while he tells me about the surf that day. I want him to brush the hair off my face and kiss my eyelids and tell me I’m beautiful and all he’s ever wanted. I want to fall in love with him. And I want him to fall in love with me. And I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I would typically say yes, that is too much to ask. However, I already have all of these things and never realized just how lucky I really was until now. Having each and every one of these little things is a blessing in itself. My god…It’s a dream come true.



Today I was away...he called three or more times just to say hi and ask if I was coming home to him tonight. When I finally decided to come home, he proceeded to call me three more times in that short little drive home from Richmond. Each time was to see how much longer it would take me to return to our quaint little home on the beach. This is just one of the little things that makes me love him more.

The Lucky Ones

It's amazing to me how I used to think I was happy with the other guys I've dated...I don't think I have ever smiled or laughed more than when I am with you. Those other guys were nothing compared to you. Each one of them used and abused me in such a way that practically ruined me for all relationships to come. Then you came along; I'd never seen a man and actually swooned. With you, all it took was a glance. Within a few days, you were done with her and I was done with him. The only two people that kept us from getting closer were a thing of the past. We practically signed our lives away at that moment; being nearly inseparable for the past 2 years. We've had our quarrels and time apart, but I can't say that I would have done anything differently. I was only being me. Love is a strange thing that is hardly explainable, especially when the one is your also your best friend.

I hope that you know that all those little things you do, like randomly tickling my feet or always being sure to kiss me goodbye, never go unseen. I know that I am horrible at showing love, but I do consider myself lucky. I'm the lucky girl who got you. WE are the lucky ones who got each other. I know that you feel the same way. You make it known every day. Thank you for that <3

The Happy Drunk Couple...

That's a change of pace...Typically Paul and I get along wayyyyyyy better sober. Fun night. That's all.

The happiest place on Earth

They say that Disney Land is "The happiest place on earth." Obviously, they've never been in your arms.

The other night, as Paul and I were getting comfy in bed, we were talking about how the vacation was going. We were the only couple who didn't really get in a fight the whole week...I told him that I was glad to be there with him and he responded by asking, "But do you think we a happy together?" At first I thought maybe he wasn't sure if we were happy but then it became quite apparent that he was merely asking if I was happy. I told him that I couldn't be happier with how far we have come and I couldn't be more in love with him. He responded, "Good, I only wanted to know that you are happy."

This really made me think that maybe I don't show it enough and then he made it even more clear...Even though the other couples had a few arguments they are very touchy and lovey dovey. This has never been the way we do things but he was just making sure that I knew how much he loves me and that he doesn't love me any less.

Silly boy..I love him.

I love him...

...with all my heart. He makes my world worth while. He is the one...the one who makes my heart race; the one who makes me blind of any other man; the one who gets me and knows how to handle me at my worst.

I love him and he loves me.

Thank you, God, for sending Paul Kelly :)

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Every once in a while I reinvent myself; changing the way way I dress, do my make up or even my hair style. You've gotta keep 'em on their toes, right? RIGHT!

So, it's about that time again and all I wanna do is go shopping to fill the gaps in my wardrobe and complete my new style. One problem...lack of money and boyfriend. They are linked so tightly right now that there's no way I could get away with spending the money I do have on anything right now. UGH! All because we are moving and going on vacation this month, money is super tight and he doesn't want me to go shopping. Doesn't he understand that a woman just isn't the same without retail therapy?! Apparently not. I bought two amazing pairs of shoes the other week since I was going to be in a fashion show...He was soo pissed but he got over it once he saw them. Lol

I had to go to the mall today to buy some new skivvies for some Zivity sets I am shooting tomorrow. He approved of that... but in my shopping excursion, I also found tons of things that I want to buy for myself. It took every fiber in body not to buy anything except what was needed for the photo shoot...FML

God, can you please fix this and give me a money tree??

Changing Gears

I don't really know what has gotten in to me lately but I'm feelin' sexy and it's coming out. At 25, I can say that I am finally fully aware of my body and quite comfy in it. I'm slowly letting this out; creating another set on Zivity.com with Tony (Ynot Photography), as well as shooting with two other photographers in nothing but skivvies. I knew I would eventually end up going down this path. But hey! What better time than summer when I'm nice and tan ;) The picture to the left was taken in a shoot I had in Baltimore with Jim Wrigley. I can't wait to shoot with him again!! Another new edition to my ever expanding portfolio is a wicked shoot with the amazing Sarah Beth Faison :) The shots are amazing and have a much more alternative look. I can't WAIT to revamp my port and really change gears. I'm down shifting...but I'm not slowing down.

In other news...Paul came across the tv series Battlestar Galactica. RIDICULOUS!! I don't know why but he has become hooked, like he typically does, and downloaded every show from day one. The funniest part about it is that they say the 'F Bomb' a lot. Even funnier... these are the edited versions so it comes out as Frack! WTFrack?? Frack me! Frack YOU! Funniest frack ever....I'm done. Night!

The Rythm of Love

We have somehow fallen into a simple rhythm...

I cook...he cleans...and he thanks me in between :)

We're certainly nowhere near perfect. We have our arguments; stupid ones usually. Today we fought over money, how typical. Although we have our conflicts, I still have no complaints. He has never failed to apologize first, even though it may be when I am in the wrong. I love this man with all my heart and know that he feels the same. I like to think that I am a person of simplicity, yet I know I am not easy to put up with. He handles me with rigid care if that makes any sense; not babying me like the princess I've never been, but instead pushing me undetectably in the right direction; always ending with, "I love you." It works.

It has been over two years since I met Paul and he is still my one and only...and I am his.

If only he knew...I love you too.

Moving Eastward & Down

A couple of months ago Paul had mentioned getting out of Richmond. Great idea...but so much easier said than done. A week later, my sister, Kelly, told my Mom that her tenant living in the beach condo(Norfolk) had never paid rent. They were forced to make an agreement with her to pay or go in July. Of course Paul and I got all excited because if that did happen we would be a total shoe in to take over her lease with no credit check or deposit.

July rolled around and SHE PAID! What the hell? She never paid a dime for 6 months and then has the money?! It was just our luck I guess. We're still crossing our fingers for her to default again in August, which would end her stay at this totally awesome condo, right on the beach.

We do have plenty of options though. We just can't decide until August 5th. Paul has plenty of friends down in Norfolk/VA Beach that have extra rooms. We can always stay at one of these until we get a place of our own, so it's really no biggie. I just can't wait to move!! No matter what, we have to move by August 15th. That's when my lease is up and my furniture has to go somewhere! Also, we're going on a super fun and cheap vacation on August 16th through the 22nd...so it'd be nice to at least have my stuff down in Norfolk already, but we'll see.

Take me to the beach!!

The Boring Diet

Today Paul told me that a friend of ours, Talya, had mentioned how great I was looking. She asked him if I was on an organic diet and he quickly returned with, "No. She's on the boring diet with me. Eggs, tuna, turkey, chicken and rice." When he told me this, I was a little turned off since I am typically the cook in the house, always spicing up a good meal for him. I almost never make the same dinner two nights in a row and he never complains, however it is usually the same equation: Chicken, whole grain rice, with either vegetables or peppers and onions and whatever spice I feel like using that night. He must not be able to taste the difference between curry and cajun. Oh well! I don't find it boring...

The truth is, that yes, my diet consists of 1/3 organic, 1/3 all natural, and the other 1/3 healthy normal stuff :) I love it because I do get a ton of variety in my daily eating in between the smaller portioned breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I guess to a guy, who's in between meals are always a protein shake, his diet would seem a bit boring and monotonous. Sucks for him! lol

**The picture above is a delicious concoction of mine. If I remember correctly it is cajun roasted red peppers and onions with grilled chicken and pineapple over whole grain rice. The chicken was marinated in a mango salsa. The same salsa was drizzled over the dish after preparation. Boring? I think not!