Broken

This state we are in is not satisfying...It began when we returned to Richmond; a story that was told in my dreams and stressed over until it became a reality. Why is this city that we call home, and grew to love and miss, so bad for us?? What is it about this town that makes you throw up barriers so hard to be broken down? I asked you the other night, after a week of odd behavior, if you still loved me. Your response was one that I never could have expected, although better than the latter. I find myself in a state of depression which is so unlike me; sleeping every chance I get, just to keep myself preoccupied from deep thought. You say I am naive...and that just may be the case, however I think much differently than you, my love. We were much better than before. You only think mathematically in terms of sex, when I look at the whole. Your affection is weak...and has been since we first broke up. I reminded you of how we were years ago and I know that you agree. Your stubborn mind won't allow you to admit, but you broke my heart more than once and it was broken two nights ago. You say we need to work on things...I've started. Have you?

Charm

I'm glad I let you go, my love
You see
You and me
We weren't always right together
But we were always meant to be

Anniversaries...

Out of the blue, Paul looks at me tonight and says, "It kinda sucks...We don't have an anniversary." I chuckle and respond, we don't need a date. You see, we have everything we need just knowing we're happy together. He then suggests we break up and get right back together and make today our anniversary. I really can't stress it enough...but I seriously love this man.

Those 3 Words

I got a random text from my love today. It read, "I love you." So short...yet it made my day. You see, today was a stress filled, nothing goes right day. These days are few and far between for me. I know this seems silly. After all, it's typically such an overused three words. In our case, it is not. We say these words in other ways and I like it that way. But damn...today it was nice. He's been reading my mind all day and I couldn't have needed it more on a day like today.

It's just not the same...

Tonight is the first night that you weren't home when I returned. It's too quiet...this doesn't feel like home. Our home is filled with random noises of you playing poker, or me pounding away at my keyboard, and the constant laughter between you and I. The only sound I hear is Saki's heavy paws wondering the house, searching for you. I had to add a noise; a noise that is familiar. I looked to my left for your computer. It was not there. I was hoping to play some of your music that puts us to sleep, but I'd have to find another solution. As I searched the room, there was your guitar. Oh how I wish I could do anything more than an ear curdling strum. I can not sleep. I don't even want to walk up those stairs and into our empty bedroom. That bed is too big for me alone. Maybe I'll join you on the couch. I know that oh so many miles away you are doing the same. Tonight I will rely on our overstuffed sofa to hold me tight. Of course, it could never be the same. Your arms hold me as though I was leaving. These pillows are more like your drunken arms; nearly pointless. I know that when I do finally lay my head down on this pillow I will fall asleep, and I'll wake up in the morning feeling the same emptiness. It's days like these that make me sure that nothing is the same without you...

Senses

Floating

I don't need you to keep me afloat.

It's when you finally realize that he's not something you need...but something you want to have by your side that you know you've found the one.

You know you can float, live, even soar, without him, but you crave the presence of his being. Just being with him, in silence, is enough. It's more than enough to keep you absolutely thrilled with just being alive.

I want to lie in bed with him all day…

and search his body for scars and watch his mouth as he tells me the stories of they came to be. I want to kiss his freckles and run my fingers through his hair and I want my feet to find his when we sleep. I want to wake up with his arms around me and his face nuzzled in my neck. I want him to slowly tickle my back and my ribs and the insides of my arms while he tells me about the surf that day. I want him to brush the hair off my face and kiss my eyelids and tell me I’m beautiful and all he’s ever wanted. I want to fall in love with him. And I want him to fall in love with me. And I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I would typically say yes, that is too much to ask. However, I already have all of these things and never realized just how lucky I really was until now. Having each and every one of these little things is a blessing in itself. My god…It’s a dream come true.



Today I was away...he called three or more times just to say hi and ask if I was coming home to him tonight. When I finally decided to come home, he proceeded to call me three more times in that short little drive home from Richmond. Each time was to see how much longer it would take me to return to our quaint little home on the beach. This is just one of the little things that makes me love him more.

The Lucky Ones

It's amazing to me how I used to think I was happy with the other guys I've dated...I don't think I have ever smiled or laughed more than when I am with you. Those other guys were nothing compared to you. Each one of them used and abused me in such a way that practically ruined me for all relationships to come. Then you came along; I'd never seen a man and actually swooned. With you, all it took was a glance. Within a few days, you were done with her and I was done with him. The only two people that kept us from getting closer were a thing of the past. We practically signed our lives away at that moment; being nearly inseparable for the past 2 years. We've had our quarrels and time apart, but I can't say that I would have done anything differently. I was only being me. Love is a strange thing that is hardly explainable, especially when the one is your also your best friend.

I hope that you know that all those little things you do, like randomly tickling my feet or always being sure to kiss me goodbye, never go unseen. I know that I am horrible at showing love, but I do consider myself lucky. I'm the lucky girl who got you. WE are the lucky ones who got each other. I know that you feel the same way. You make it known every day. Thank you for that <3

The Happy Drunk Couple...

That's a change of pace...Typically Paul and I get along wayyyyyyy better sober. Fun night. That's all.

The happiest place on Earth

They say that Disney Land is "The happiest place on earth." Obviously, they've never been in your arms.

The other night, as Paul and I were getting comfy in bed, we were talking about how the vacation was going. We were the only couple who didn't really get in a fight the whole week...I told him that I was glad to be there with him and he responded by asking, "But do you think we a happy together?" At first I thought maybe he wasn't sure if we were happy but then it became quite apparent that he was merely asking if I was happy. I told him that I couldn't be happier with how far we have come and I couldn't be more in love with him. He responded, "Good, I only wanted to know that you are happy."

This really made me think that maybe I don't show it enough and then he made it even more clear...Even though the other couples had a few arguments they are very touchy and lovey dovey. This has never been the way we do things but he was just making sure that I knew how much he loves me and that he doesn't love me any less.

Silly boy..I love him.

I love him...

...with all my heart. He makes my world worth while. He is the one...the one who makes my heart race; the one who makes me blind of any other man; the one who gets me and knows how to handle me at my worst.

I love him and he loves me.

Thank you, God, for sending Paul Kelly :)

The Rythm of Love

We have somehow fallen into a simple rhythm...

I cook...he cleans...and he thanks me in between :)

We're certainly nowhere near perfect. We have our arguments; stupid ones usually. Today we fought over money, how typical. Although we have our conflicts, I still have no complaints. He has never failed to apologize first, even though it may be when I am in the wrong. I love this man with all my heart and know that he feels the same. I like to think that I am a person of simplicity, yet I know I am not easy to put up with. He handles me with rigid care if that makes any sense; not babying me like the princess I've never been, but instead pushing me undetectably in the right direction; always ending with, "I love you." It works.

It has been over two years since I met Paul and he is still my one and only...and I am his.

If only he knew...I love you too.