Old Writing..."Journeys"

I have plenty of things that stand between me and the things that I desire. Like a dreamy swade and gold necklace, broken, I pick up the peices, and try to mend what is left behind. It's nothing between my love and I, but work. Work, work, work. I've learned that with responsibility, comes irresponsible people, who you just cannot rely on. It's hard. It's frustrating. For once in my life, I have money to live the life I want to live. Unfortunately, all of my time is taken up by this responsibility.

I was talking to my mom the other day, and she said....

Heather, I'm so happy for you. You are finally the girl that you originally were. The girl who, no matter what the circumstances, was happy-go-lucky. The girl who had the ability to turn any frown upside down. The girl who always knew right from wrong, and the one who always led the pack, with no inclination of doing so.

This sparked my mind...Why am I wasting all of my time on money?? I'm happy where I am, however, is it what I WANT? No. When I originally moved back to Richmond, I finally started my business, HD Marketing. I have about 5 people per week ask me how it's going. Each and every time I respond, well...it's going, but all I have time for is Cha Cha's. I've broken sales records for days, even months, at Cha Cha's. But is it what I WANT? No. How do I abandon the stability and go forth with my dreams?? This is the question I face today, tomorrow, and the rest of the days I continue with this job. When do I end this successful journey, and lead my own??

Away...

Boy, has it been a busy two months! I have a new job that I enjoy...I'm actually saving money rather than barely surviving...and I'm finally moving into a new place with Paul at the end of the week. I took a hiatus from blogging due to a severe case of what I call dreameritis. I realized that I was icing a cake that was crumbling too quick to mend. So, I took a step away and reevaluated my relationship with Paul. We both had fallen into this rut, as if we'd been married 20 years and the fun was all gone. This became abruptly apparent when we returned to Richmond. We talked about just giving up, but that was decidedly a waste of time...we've never been able to stay apart for long. After working through everything and taking a good hard look at what we'd become, we decided together that we'd start fresh. The honeymoon has returned and has been going strong over a month now. I think we've both realized the personal issues we had and fixed them...no more boring nights hacking away at my keyboard while he watches a movie, and no more poker playing during dinner, among other things. I may not be writing as much here for a while, not until I have something really interesting to write about. I'm thinking about starting a foodie blog...rather than writing pointless posts and boring you anymore than I already have ;)

I bid you a due...Until next time

This is Cully, signing off...

Broken

This state we are in is not satisfying...It began when we returned to Richmond; a story that was told in my dreams and stressed over until it became a reality. Why is this city that we call home, and grew to love and miss, so bad for us?? What is it about this town that makes you throw up barriers so hard to be broken down? I asked you the other night, after a week of odd behavior, if you still loved me. Your response was one that I never could have expected, although better than the latter. I find myself in a state of depression which is so unlike me; sleeping every chance I get, just to keep myself preoccupied from deep thought. You say I am naive...and that just may be the case, however I think much differently than you, my love. We were much better than before. You only think mathematically in terms of sex, when I look at the whole. Your affection is weak...and has been since we first broke up. I reminded you of how we were years ago and I know that you agree. Your stubborn mind won't allow you to admit, but you broke my heart more than once and it was broken two nights ago. You say we need to work on things...I've started. Have you?

Charm

I'm glad I let you go, my love
You see
You and me
We weren't always right together
But we were always meant to be

Luck

We haven't always had the best of luck. In fact, together, we might just be one of the unluckiest couples out there. But something is different all of a sudden...the weight is gone, creativity is at a high, and things are falling into place just like we would want them to. Maybe the stars are on our side again...

Life, I gotta hand it to you! You really know when to come around.

Bones

Sometimes I feel like my bones might just collapse under all this pressure...all the dreams that always feel so real and almost attainable, then all of it comes crashing down on me again. I know these battles will only make me stronger. A little piece inside of me dreams of a better life, an easier life, where things may be handed to me; not on a golden platter, but a silver one will do. I'm not saying I don't like the battles...I just want more. I need more.

Sometimes I feel like my bones are collapsing...and then I breathe, and everything is ok.

Anniversaries...

Out of the blue, Paul looks at me tonight and says, "It kinda sucks...We don't have an anniversary." I chuckle and respond, we don't need a date. You see, we have everything we need just knowing we're happy together. He then suggests we break up and get right back together and make today our anniversary. I really can't stress it enough...but I seriously love this man.

In the next 5 years

I will...

Take more road trips
Get published
Shoot nude at least once
Take Paul to The World Series of Poker
Start drawing/painting again
See my paintings in a gallery
Get out of debt
Start my business with Paul
Travel to Ireland and Scotland
Get Invisalign
Take an extreme driving course
Finish my degree
Treat my mom, sister, and myself to a day at the spa
Go to a Steelers game
Skydive/bungee jump
Go to Las Vegas
Become a neater person
Write a Children's book
Get married
Buy a house
Paint a room in my house purple :)
Successfully grow a garden
Have a kid

I'm sure I'll do a lot more...But these are the things I really want to accomplish in the next 5 years.

Beauty & Riches

What a lovely Sunday I just had...I had a photo shoot at the Betsey Johnson Garden in Georgetown and oh my, I need to be rich. My first Betsey Johnson item I ever owned was a gift from my Aunt in high school. That was the day I fell in love with her store :) Anyone who has ever been shopping with me knows that I have a problem. I walk into a store and my eyes glimmer and my mouth drools for all of the luscious fabrics and colors. I'll be quite honest, I come from a long line of shopaholics. My grandmother had a personal shopper, my Aunt is a high end brand whore, my Mother likes anything that sparkles, and my 4year old cousin has known the difference between cotton and cashmere since she was born. I need these fabulous finds in my life...I need to be rich. Oh, what I could do with those purple metallic leopard leggings, or that awesomely fabulous striped cardigan with the skull on the back. Georgetown is the bane of my shopping existence. I just can't wait until I have the money to buy all of the things I could ever want. Is that horribly materialistic??

Here are a couple pictures from the shoot :)

I'm sick of the norm...

Sometimes I wish I were deaf so I could not hear the stupidity that comes from some people's lips. But if I were def I would miss out on on the beautiful sounds of this world, and the intelligent words that so few people speak. It's sad, really, to think that a person thinks it's just that funny or makes them look that much cooler. This world, or my world rather, is filled with immaturity and boring people that just make me want to slap myself. I want to slap myself just for being around them. Where are all the brilliant people that bring wonderful light to the world? Where are the curious and ambitious people like me, that just don't quite fit the norm? I want more out of life than the boring conversations that are seeming to surround me these days.

I am not one of them. I am not one of you.

But if that's all you see, then you don't see me. You can't see me.


Of course, I am not speaking of my friends here. I love my friends and I couldn't ask for better ones. This really just talks about the other people in my life right now...I'm really not sure if Norfolk/VA Beach is for me, or for Paul even.

Release...

Ok...This is just going to be a big rant. Every once in a while I need to do this and just get the shit out.

I live in a ghost town where the convenience store closes at 9 EVERY night or earlier.

The guys that live across from us have a huge work van and have no idea how to park. They make it impossible to park in my space in one maneuver.

The no u-turn sign right past my house is extremely inconvenient...seeing as I have to take a u-turn just to get home.

EVERY thing is 20 minutes away..Walmart, Target, the mall, the gym, work. The list goes on.

Paul's uber expensive pots and pans are the worst. Give me the cheap non stick over the pretty stainless steel any day.

The internet here SUCKS. The worst part about it is Cox Communications says, "That happens" and then charges us for every visit to try and fix the shit.

Saki, Paul's cat, is lucky I'm such an animal lover. She torments my kitty and pisses on everything. I've stopped Paul from throwing her outside 3 times now.

Walmart always has at least 3 beggars roaming the parking lot. I told the attendant and she replied, "Yeah,, Honey, they do that." What is it legal here??

Paul likes red wine and I like white. I buy him and I each a bottle of wine...which one does he drink? Mine. I'm not buying red wine any more.

On that note...I'm going to go finish that fine bottle of wine ;) I feel better now.

Those 3 Words

I got a random text from my love today. It read, "I love you." So short...yet it made my day. You see, today was a stress filled, nothing goes right day. These days are few and far between for me. I know this seems silly. After all, it's typically such an overused three words. In our case, it is not. We say these words in other ways and I like it that way. But damn...today it was nice. He's been reading my mind all day and I couldn't have needed it more on a day like today.

It's just not the same...

Tonight is the first night that you weren't home when I returned. It's too quiet...this doesn't feel like home. Our home is filled with random noises of you playing poker, or me pounding away at my keyboard, and the constant laughter between you and I. The only sound I hear is Saki's heavy paws wondering the house, searching for you. I had to add a noise; a noise that is familiar. I looked to my left for your computer. It was not there. I was hoping to play some of your music that puts us to sleep, but I'd have to find another solution. As I searched the room, there was your guitar. Oh how I wish I could do anything more than an ear curdling strum. I can not sleep. I don't even want to walk up those stairs and into our empty bedroom. That bed is too big for me alone. Maybe I'll join you on the couch. I know that oh so many miles away you are doing the same. Tonight I will rely on our overstuffed sofa to hold me tight. Of course, it could never be the same. Your arms hold me as though I was leaving. These pillows are more like your drunken arms; nearly pointless. I know that when I do finally lay my head down on this pillow I will fall asleep, and I'll wake up in the morning feeling the same emptiness. It's days like these that make me sure that nothing is the same without you...

Tattoos...

Lately, Paul and I have been discussing tattoos again. He can't stand his tribal band on his arm and would like to have a bigger tattoo take it over. I always said I'd never get one because I wouldn't be able to commit to anything. Well, a year and a half ago it hit me. I'm named after a flower; a flower with a ton of meaning behind it to boot. When I began to look at pictures of this Scottish flower I found a ton of images that only discouraged me...and then I came across this story. Apparently, my mother did a really good job naming me. I couldn't think of a better name for myself :) Here's the story:

When God first made the world, He looked at the bare and barren hillsides and thought how nice it would be to cover them with some kind of beautiful tree or flower. So he turned to the Giant Oak, the biggest and strongest of all of the trees he had made, and asked him if he would be willing to go up to the bare hills to help make them look more attractive. But the oak explained that he needed a good depth of soil in order to grow and that the hillsides would be far too rocky for him to take root.
So God left the oak tree and turned to the honeysuckle with its lovely yellow flower and beautiful sweet fragrance. He asked the honeysuckle if she would care to grow on the hillsides and spread her beauty and fragrance amongst the barren slopes. But the honeysuckle explained that she needed a wall or a fence or even another plant to grow against, and for that reason, it would be quite impossible for her to grow in the hills.
So God then turned to one of the sweetest and most beautiful of all the flowers - the rose. God asked the rose if she would care to grace the rugged highlands with her splendour. But the rose explained that the wind and the rain and the cold on the hills would destroy her, and so she would not be able to grow on the hills.Disappointed with the oak, the honeysuckle and the rose, God turned away. At length, he came across a small, low lying, green shrub with a flower of tiny petals -some purple and some white. It was a heather.
God asked the heather the same question that he’d asked the others. "Will you go and grow upon the hillsides to make them more beautiful?"The heather thought about the poor soil, the wind and the rain - and was not very sure that she could do a good job. But turning to God she replied that if he wanted her to do it, she would certainly give it a try.
God was very pleased.
He was so pleased in fact that he decided to give the heather some gifts as a reward for her willingness to do as he had asked. First, he gave her the strength of the oak tree - the bark of the heather is the strongest of any tree or shrub in the whole world. Next he gave her the fragrance of the honeysuckle - a fragrance which is frequently used to gently perfume soaps and potpourris. Finally he gave her the sweetness of the rose - so much so that heather is one of the bees favourite flowers. And to this day, heather is renowned especially for these three God given gifts.


And then I found one image that inspired my drawing:



Here's the finished product:



It's a little bigger than Paul's hand and designed to grow from the side of my hip bone up, wrapping up my side. Now, a year and a half later, I think I'm ready. But that word think worries me. So, I'll keep pondering it. Maybe I'll frame this drawing to see what happens...Of course I couldn't think of a better thing that defines me so perfectly, and I drew it myself. Ehhh decisions...

Kindly Keep Your Words to Yourself, Please.

So, I joined this contest to be the face of E.l.f. Cosmetics and I'm in the top ten...which is all that really matters. I contacted the admin of a group on Facebook for my high school and asked if he would help spread the word for votes. In the process, I have had a TON of positive support along with a few super nasty comments here and there. Surprisingly, these comments came from an older bunch (40's & 50's). Now, this isn't by any means my first experience with this. Some people feel that it's necessary to add their own words to my story. Well it's not.

This draws the question...WHY?? Didn't your mother ever teach you? Mine did. "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." Simple as that. Don't these people realize that they are only flattering me? By taking the time out of their lives, in attempt to bring my own down, they do not succeed. People like this are the reason why this world is less fruitful. I wish them the best, they obviously need it.

I'm not saying I've never said anything nasty, but with maturity comes the understanding that it's just not worth it. I have learned not to say nasty comments to anyone. You never know how bad of a day they may be having. I live to brighten people's day, not sour their dreams.

Senses

Floating

I don't need you to keep me afloat.

It's when you finally realize that he's not something you need...but something you want to have by your side that you know you've found the one.

You know you can float, live, even soar, without him, but you crave the presence of his being. Just being with him, in silence, is enough. It's more than enough to keep you absolutely thrilled with just being alive.

Life is Good

I've always heard that living by the water changes you...changes the way of life. I never really believed it until now. I have no idea why, but things are good! In every way, my life seems to be filled with nothing but highs. The lows that would creep in, even the total lack of drive, they're gone. It's like the soundtrack of my life has switched from Les Miserables to The Technicolor Dreamcoat. Amazing.

True Story

I can't remember the last time I was feeling down but I definitely couldn't agree with this more. Paul always wondered how I did it...

Believe me I can fly...