Much ado about Me

Old Writing..."Journeys"

2010-07-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

I have plenty of things that stand between me and the things that I desire. Like a dreamy swade and gold necklace, broken, I pick up the peices, and try to mend what is left behind. It's nothing between my love and I, but work. Work, work, work. I've learned that with responsibility, comes irresponsible people, who you just cannot rely on. It's hard. It's frustrating. For once in my life, I have money to live the life I want to live. Unfortunately, all of my time is taken up by this responsibility.

I was talking to my mom the other day, and she said....

Heather, I'm so happy for you. You are finally the girl that you originally were. The girl who, no matter what the circumstances, was happy-go-lucky. The girl who had the ability to turn any frown upside down. The girl who always knew right from wrong, and the one who always led the pack, with no inclination of doing so.

This sparked my mind...Why am I wasting all of my time on money?? I'm happy where I am, however, is it what I WANT? No. When I originally moved back to Richmond, I finally started my business, HD Marketing. I have about 5 people per week ask me how it's going. Each and every time I respond, well...it's going, but all I have time for is Cha Cha's. I've broken sales records for days, even months, at Cha Cha's. But is it what I WANT? No. How do I abandon the stability and go forth with my dreams?? This is the question I face today, tomorrow, and the rest of the days I continue with this job. When do I end this successful journey, and lead my own??

Away...

2010-04-12T13:47:00.001-07:00

Boy, has it been a busy two months! I have a new job that I enjoy...I'm actually saving money rather than barely surviving...and I'm finally moving into a new place with Paul at the end of the week. I took a hiatus from blogging due to a severe case of what I call dreameritis. I realized that I was icing a cake that was crumbling too quick to mend. So, I took a step away and reevaluated my relationship with Paul. We both had fallen into this rut, as if we'd been married 20 years and the fun was all gone. This became abruptly apparent when we returned to Richmond. We talked about just giving up, but that was decidedly a waste of time...we've never been able to stay apart for long. After working through everything and taking a good hard look at what we'd become, we decided together that we'd start fresh. The honeymoon has returned and has been going strong over a month now. I think we've both realized the personal issues we had and fixed them...no more boring nights hacking away at my keyboard while he watches a movie, and no more poker playing during dinner, among other things. I may not be writing as much here for a while, not until I have something really interesting to write about. I'm thinking about starting a foodie blog...rather than writing pointless posts and boring you anymore than I already have ;)

I bid you a due...Until next time

This is Cully, signing off...

Broken

2010-02-18T00:21:00.000-08:00

This state we are in is not satisfying...It began when we returned to Richmond; a story that was told in my dreams and stressed over until it became a reality. Why is this city that we call home, and grew to love and miss, so bad for us?? What is it about this town that makes you throw up barriers so hard to be broken down? I asked you the other night, after a week of odd behavior, if you still loved me. Your response was one that I never could have expected, although better than the latter. I find myself in a state of depression which is so unlike me; sleeping every chance I get, just to keep myself preoccupied from deep thought. You say I am naive...and that just may be the case, however I think much differently than you, my love. We were much better than before. You only think mathematically in terms of sex, when I look at the whole. Your affection is weak...and has been since we first broke up. I reminded you of how we were years ago and I know that you agree. Your stubborn mind won't allow you to admit, but you broke my heart more than once and it was broken two nights ago. You say we need to work on things...I've started. Have you?

Charm

2010-01-30T15:38:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I let you go, my love
You see
You and me
We weren't always right together
But we were always meant to be

Luck

2010-01-25T07:11:00.000-08:00

We haven't always had the best of luck. In fact, together, we might just be one of the unluckiest couples out there. But something is different all of a sudden...the weight is gone, creativity is at a high, and things are falling into place just like we would want them to. Maybe the stars are on our side again...

Life, I gotta hand it to you! You really know when to come around.

Bones

2010-01-23T08:57:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel like my bones might just collapse under all this pressure...all the dreams that always feel so real and almost attainable, then all of it comes crashing down on me again. I know these battles will only make me stronger. A little piece inside of me dreams of a better life, an easier life, where things may be handed to me; not on a golden platter, but a silver one will do. I'm not saying I don't like the battles...I just want more. I need more.

Sometimes I feel like my bones are collapsing...and then I breathe, and everything is ok.

Anniversaries...

2010-01-13T00:44:00.000-08:00

Out of the blue, Paul looks at me tonight and says, "It kinda sucks...We don't have an anniversary." I chuckle and respond, we don't need a date. You see, we have everything we need just knowing we're happy together. He then suggests we break up and get right back together and make today our anniversary. I really can't stress it enough...but I seriously love this man.

In the next 5 years

2009-12-27T14:54:00.000-08:00

I will...

Take more road trips
Get published
Shoot nude at least once
Take Paul to The World Series of Poker
Start drawing/painting again
See my paintings in a gallery
Get out of debt
Start my business with Paul
Travel to Ireland and Scotland
Get Invisalign
Take an extreme driving course
Finish my degree
Treat my mom, sister, and myself to a day at the spa
Go to a Steelers game
Skydive/bungee jump
Go to Las Vegas
Become a neater person
Write a Children's book
Get married
Buy a house
Paint a room in my house purple :)
Successfully grow a garden
Have a kid

I'm sure I'll do a lot more...But these are the things I really want to accomplish in the next 5 years.

Beauty & Riches

2009-11-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

What a lovely Sunday I just had...I had a photo shoot at the Betsey Johnson Garden in Georgetown and oh my, I need to be rich. My first Betsey Johnson item I ever owned was a gift from my Aunt in high school. That was the day I fell in love with her store :) Anyone who has ever been shopping with me knows that I have a problem. I walk into a store and my eyes glimmer and my mouth drools for all of the luscious fabrics and colors. I'll be quite honest, I come from a long line of shopaholics. My grandmother had a personal shopper, my Aunt is a high end brand whore, my Mother likes anything that sparkles, and my 4year old cousin has known the difference between cotton and cashmere since she was born. I need these fabulous finds in my life...I need to be rich. Oh, what I could do with those purple metallic leopard leggings, or that awesomely fabulous striped cardigan with the skull on the back. Georgetown is the bane of my shopping existence. I just can't wait until I have the money to buy all of the things I could ever want. Is that horribly materialistic??

Here are a couple pictures from the shoot :)

I'm sick of the norm...

2009-11-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I were deaf so I could not hear the stupidity that comes from some people's lips. But if I were def I would miss out on on the beautiful sounds of this world, and the intelligent words that so few people speak. It's sad, really, to think that a person thinks it's just that funny or makes them look that much cooler. This world, or my world rather, is filled with immaturity and boring people that just make me want to slap myself. I want to slap myself just for being around them. Where are all the brilliant people that bring wonderful light to the world? Where are the curious and ambitious people like me, that just don't quite fit the norm? I want more out of life than the boring conversations that are seeming to surround me these days.

I am not one of them. I am not one of you.

But if that's all you see, then you don't see me. You can't see me.

Of course, I am not speaking of my friends here. I love my friends and I couldn't ask for better ones. This really just talks about the other people in my life right now...I'm really not sure if Norfolk/VA Beach is for me, or for Paul even.

Release...

2009-11-04T19:22:00.001-08:00

Ok...This is just going to be a big rant. Every once in a while I need to do this and just get the shit out.

I live in a ghost town where the convenience store closes at 9 EVERY night or earlier.

The guys that live across from us have a huge work van and have no idea how to park. They make it impossible to park in my space in one maneuver.

The no u-turn sign right past my house is extremely inconvenient...seeing as I have to take a u-turn just to get home.

EVERY thing is 20 minutes away..Walmart, Target, the mall, the gym, work. The list goes on.

Paul's uber expensive pots and pans are the worst. Give me the cheap non stick over the pretty stainless steel any day.

The internet here SUCKS. The worst part about it is Cox Communications says, "That happens" and then charges us for every visit to try and fix the shit.

Saki, Paul's cat, is lucky I'm such an animal lover. She torments my kitty and pisses on everything. I've stopped Paul from throwing her outside 3 times now.

Walmart always has at least 3 beggars roaming the parking lot. I told the attendant and she replied, "Yeah,, Honey, they do that." What is it legal here??

Paul likes red wine and I like white. I buy him and I each a bottle of wine...which one does he drink? Mine. I'm not buying red wine any more.

On that note...I'm going to go finish that fine bottle of wine ;) I feel better now.

Those 3 Words

2009-11-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

I got a random text from my love today. It read, "I love you." So short...yet it made my day. You see, today was a stress filled, nothing goes right day. These days are few and far between for me. I know this seems silly. After all, it's typically such an overused three words. In our case, it is not. We say these words in other ways and I like it that way. But damn...today it was nice. He's been reading my mind all day and I couldn't have needed it more on a day like today.

It's just not the same...

2009-10-25T00:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the first night that you weren't home when I returned. It's too quiet...this doesn't feel like home. Our home is filled with random noises of you playing poker, or me pounding away at my keyboard, and the constant laughter between you and I. The only sound I hear is Saki's heavy paws wondering the house, searching for you. I had to add a noise; a noise that is familiar. I looked to my left for your computer. It was not there. I was hoping to play some of your music that puts us to sleep, but I'd have to find another solution. As I searched the room, there was your guitar. Oh how I wish I could do anything more than an ear curdling strum. I can not sleep. I don't even want to walk up those stairs and into our empty bedroom. That bed is too big for me alone. Maybe I'll join you on the couch. I know that oh so many miles away you are doing the same. Tonight I will rely on our overstuffed sofa to hold me tight. Of course, it could never be the same. Your arms hold me as though I was leaving. These pillows are more like your drunken arms; nearly pointless. I know that when I do finally lay my head down on this pillow I will fall asleep, and I'll wake up in the morning feeling the same emptiness. It's days like these that make me sure that nothing is the same without you...

Tattoos...

2009-10-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

Lately, Paul and I have been discussing tattoos again. He can't stand his tribal band on his arm and would like to have a bigger tattoo take it over. I always said I'd never get one because I wouldn't be able to commit to anything. Well, a year and a half ago it hit me. I'm named after a flower; a flower with a ton of meaning behind it to boot. When I began to look at pictures of this Scottish flower I found a ton of images that only discouraged me...and then I came across this story. Apparently, my mother did a really good job naming me. I couldn't think of a better name for myself :) Here's the story:

When God first made the world, He looked at the bare and barren hillsides and thought how nice it would be to cover them with some kind of beautiful tree or flower. So he turned to the Giant Oak, the biggest and strongest of all of the trees he had made, and asked him if he would be willing to go up to the bare hills to help make them look more attractive. But the oak explained that he needed a good depth of soil in order to grow and that the hillsides would be far too rocky for him to take root.
So God left the oak tree and turned to the honeysuckle with its lovely yellow flower and beautiful sweet fragrance. He asked the honeysuckle if she would care to grow on the hillsides and spread her beauty and fragrance amongst the barren slopes. But the honeysuckle explained that she needed a wall or a fence or even another plant to grow against, and for that reason, it would be quite impossible for her to grow in the hills.
So God then turned to one of the sweetest and most beautiful of all the flowers - the rose. God asked the rose if she would care to grace the rugged highlands with her splendour. But the rose explained that the wind and the rain and the cold on the hills would destroy her, and so she would not be able to grow on the hills.Disappointed with the oak, the honeysuckle and the rose, God turned away. At length, he came across a small, low lying, green shrub with a flower of tiny petals -some purple and some white. It was a heather.
God asked the heather the same question that he’d asked the others. "Will you go and grow upon the hillsides to make them more beautiful?"The heather thought about the poor soil, the wind and the rain - and was not very sure that she could do a good job. But turning to God she replied that if he wanted her to do it, she would certainly give it a try.
God was very pleased.
He was so pleased in fact that he decided to give the heather some gifts as a reward for her willingness to do as he had asked. First, he gave her the strength of the oak tree - the bark of the heather is the strongest of any tree or shrub in the whole world. Next he gave her the fragrance of the honeysuckle - a fragrance which is frequently used to gently perfume soaps and potpourris. Finally he gave her the sweetness of the rose - so much so that heather is one of the bees favourite flowers. And to this day, heather is renowned especially for these three God given gifts.

And then I found one image that inspired my drawing:

Here's the finished product:

It's a little bigger than Paul's hand and designed to grow from the side of my hip bone up, wrapping up my side. Now, a year and a half later, I think I'm ready. But that word think worries me. So, I'll keep pondering it. Maybe I'll frame this drawing to see what happens...Of course I couldn't think of a better thing that defines me so perfectly, and I drew it myself. Ehhh decisions...

Kindly Keep Your Words to Yourself, Please.

2009-10-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

So, I joined this contest to be the face of E.l.f. Cosmetics and I'm in the top ten...which is all that really matters. I contacted the admin of a group on Facebook for my high school and asked if he would help spread the word for votes. In the process, I have had a TON of positive support along with a few super nasty comments here and there. Surprisingly, these comments came from an older bunch (40's & 50's). Now, this isn't by any means my first experience with this. Some people feel that it's necessary to add their own words to my story. Well it's not.

This draws the question...WHY?? Didn't your mother ever teach you? Mine did. "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." Simple as that. Don't these people realize that they are only flattering me? By taking the time out of their lives, in attempt to bring my own down, they do not succeed. People like this are the reason why this world is less fruitful. I wish them the best, they obviously need it.

I'm not saying I've never said anything nasty, but with maturity comes the understanding that it's just not worth it. I have learned not to say nasty comments to anyone. You never know how bad of a day they may be having. I live to brighten people's day, not sour their dreams.

Senses

2009-10-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

Floating

2009-10-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

I don't need you to keep me afloat.

It's when you finally realize that he's not something you need...but something you want to have by your side that you know you've found the one.

You know you can float, live, even soar, without him, but you crave the presence of his being. Just being with him, in silence, is enough. It's more than enough to keep you absolutely thrilled with just being alive.

Life is Good

2009-10-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

I've always heard that living by the water changes you...changes the way of life. I never really believed it until now. I have no idea why, but things are good! In every way, my life seems to be filled with nothing but highs. The lows that would creep in, even the total lack of drive, they're gone. It's like the soundtrack of my life has switched from Les Miserables to The Technicolor Dreamcoat. Amazing.

True Story

2009-10-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time I was feeling down but I definitely couldn't agree with this more. Paul always wondered how I did it...

Believe me I can fly...

2009-10-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

To the End and Back

2009-10-03T13:19:00.001-07:00

So, today I had the brilliant idea of running to the end of the beach and back. Let's just say I had NO idea how long it was. I think I was running/walking for about an hour to and hour and a half but I forgot to look at the time before running out the door. Several times I wanted to give up and turn around but I wouldn't let myself. I've been way too lazy lately and I wasn't about to let it stop me this time. This was probably the hardest I have ever pushed myself...and I did it. I actually made it to the end and back! Of course I was drenched and covered in sand, complete with some awesome tan lines. It turns out the distance covered was nearly 8 miles!! What the frack was I thinking?!?!

Hey...at least now I know I can do it. I've never gone further than 3.5 miles on a treadmill and this was on sand! All I'm saying is that if you really want to push yourself, create a mid point goal. I could have never made it if I hadn't really wanted to see the end of the beach :)

Shower time!!

One Life

2009-10-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

Just the thing I needed...

2009-10-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my first photo shoot in a while. The shoot was a test shoot for a small jewelry company in Richmond and was soo much fun. Miguel, the photographer, was so knowledgeable about how to model jewelry so I really learned a lot. I can't wait to shoot with the actually company!! The image above was his favorite out of everything we shot. This is straight out of the camera and I think it's just stunning :) This image doesn't really show what he taught me but we still love it!

I really needed this shoot to kick my butt back in gear. Miguel and I had been talking for months to try to set something up. Unfortunately, I found myself in a super lazy state and just couldn't commit to any shoots in September. Now I'm totally ready to start shooting again.

I have another shoot tonight in downtown Norfolk. It's a group shoot so this should be cool! Stay tuned :)

I want to lie in bed with him all day…

2009-09-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

and search his body for scars and watch his mouth as he tells me the stories of they came to be. I want to kiss his freckles and run my fingers through his hair and I want my feet to find his when we sleep. I want to wake up with his arms around me and his face nuzzled in my neck. I want him to slowly tickle my back and my ribs and the insides of my arms while he tells me about the surf that day. I want him to brush the hair off my face and kiss my eyelids and tell me I’m beautiful and all he’s ever wanted. I want to fall in love with him. And I want him to fall in love with me. And I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I would typically say yes, that is too much to ask. However, I already have all of these things and never realized just how lucky I really was until now. Having each and every one of these little things is a blessing in itself. My god…It’s a dream come true.

Today I was away...he called three or more times just to say hi and ask if I was coming home to him tonight. When I finally decided to come home, he proceeded to call me three more times in that short little drive home from Richmond. Each time was to see how much longer it would take me to return to our quaint little home on the beach. This is just one of the little things that makes me love him more.

The Lucky Ones

2009-09-29T08:46:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me how I used to think I was happy with the other guys I've dated...I don't think I have ever smiled or laughed more than when I am with you. Those other guys were nothing compared to you. Each one of them used and abused me in such a way that practically ruined me for all relationships to come. Then you came along; I'd never seen a man and actually swooned. With you, all it took was a glance. Within a few days, you were done with her and I was done with him. The only two people that kept us from getting closer were a thing of the past. We practically signed our lives away at that moment; being nearly inseparable for the past 2 years. We've had our quarrels and time apart, but I can't say that I would have done anything differently. I was only being me. Love is a strange thing that is hardly explainable, especially when the one is your also your best friend.

I hope that you know that all those little things you do, like randomly tickling my feet or always being sure to kiss me goodbye, never go unseen. I know that I am horrible at showing love, but I do consider myself lucky. I'm the lucky girl who got you. WE are the lucky ones who got each other. I know that you feel the same way. You make it known every day. Thank you for that <3

::yawn::

2009-09-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

Good morning, America! I don't know if it's just me (and I highly doubt it is) but every morning...no matter what I NEED to get done, I find myself lunging for the laptop and cellphone. Checking emails and other more trivial things seems to be at the top of my list these days, rather than tending to more biologically urgent things. I find it helps me to wake up and get ready for the day.

With that being said, my Mom is visiting me today!!! I'm praying that she may be able to help me finish unpack finally. All I have left to do is fold clothes. Problem is, I hate folding and it's two ginormous boxes that are overstuffed with clothes that need to be folded. I hang all of my nicer things now, including t-shirts, since I have an abundance of hanging space. Unfortunately, there are certain things that just can't be hung. For instance, a zip up hoodie; I suppose I could hang those...they dont really fold well after all. Anywho, this is the only task that I haven't been able to motivate myself to do yet. Otherwise, my new whiteboard is working quite well!!

Help for Me; Help for You

2009-09-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

I came across this 6 tips for self motivation and felt it necessary to share...

1. Have a cause.

A life without cause is a life without effect.
Unknown

2. Have a dream. A big dream.

Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.
Karen Ravn

3. Be hungry.

Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.
Les Brown

4. Run your own race.

I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself.
Mikhail Baryshnikov

5. Take one more step.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
Winston Churchill

6. Let go of the past.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Above all others you begin with this:

People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents.
Andrew Carnegie

Solutions

2009-09-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

I pondered and pondered my total lackadaisical attitude today and came up with a solution. WRITE IT ALL DOWN...So now I have a looong list of short term and long term things to do. I ran out of receipt paper before I could even come close to finishing the list...I'll finish it tonight before bed.

Damn..there's another one! Stop procrastinating!!!!

Once I complete the list (TONIGHT), I purchased a white board so that I can have it all written out where I will see it every morning. I'll have no choice if all of these things are staring me right in the face.

That is merely a temporary fix though. One of the items on my list is to rekindle my creative flame that used to drive me years ago. So, I'll be creating a collage of pictures and words that will be much more attractive rather than a stupid white board. ICK!

Problem solved :)

Sheer Laziness

2009-09-23T11:00:00.001-07:00

I don't know what has happened to me...but I am one lazy girl. I can't find the motivation to do anything. When I say anything, I mean just about everything. I get out of bed at 10 instead of 8 now. I don't feel like cleaning or unpacking for that matter...I have fabulous photographers out the hoohah that want to schedule shoots and I just can't commit to any dates. I still need to get a super part time bartending gig to help with the bills. The examples could go on and on.

I want to be myself again...the girl that next stopped going.

Can someone please give me a swift kick to the rear? PLEASE?!

The small things...

2009-09-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

The New Me..

2009-09-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ok...So I think it all started with the big move. I feel completely different. My style, my attitude, my love for Paul, EVERYthing is different. It's like I had just found one more piece to this ginormous puzzle. On the 5th of this month, we moved!! The lady that was barely scraping by in the place that we wanted finally gave up and left. We were so stoked that let's just say...She moved out by 9pm Saturday night and we started to unload at 9pm Saturday morning. Immediately one of our neighbors popped his head out and gave a much needed helping hand.
Our living room was the main room we have spent money on. We designed the entertainment center at Ikea...I love that store! The couch is JUST the one I wanted and is absolutely perfect for the space :D I'm planning on painting one of the walls a medium brown to match one of the pillows.
The picture to the left of the bride and groom cracks me up. Paul brought this to the cart our first grocery shopping trip . It is now one of the decorations in the foyer..with the groom running out the door. Hilarious!
This last picture is behind the scenes of a fashion show for Mecedes Fashion Week in NYC. I was lucky enough to be one of the models in the show. OMG...when I first arrived the only thing I could think of was "I do NOT belong here!" All of the models were stunning and tall to boot. Me, only being 5'6 was one of the shortest models chosen for the event. At the end of the evening, I was told by Jeremy, the guy who did my hair, that I was apparently voted the most popular and model with the best hair. I was stunned! I met TONS of amazing people and openned soo many doors...I can't wait to see what happens in the next few months!!

My trip to New York was absolutely amazing. One of my best friends, Scott, was there at the same time and we made the trip unforgettable. I arrived Saturday night and he picked me up from the airport. Immediately, the party began. The next day we walked over 300 blocks on top of riding the subway all over. We experienced more than the typical tourist could possibly dream of in one day. AMAZING! My last night in town was spent at the fashion show and the after party was a one of the most exclusive clubs in New York. Let's just say Jay-Z, Justin Timberlake, and Jessica Alba were there...Sooo much fun! My Aunt made it up to see me in the show and we ended up flying back together. Now we are looking into renting a small studio in downtown so that we have a place to stay part time. I would be beyond thrilled!!

So all this being said...my look on life and everything else has changed in a way. I've hit an all time high and I'm going anywhere but down from here.

Standing on My Soap Box

2009-09-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

Layin' Low

2009-08-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

I decided to lay low the month of August for personal reasons...moving mainly. My sister's bf's place is finally coming available so we're moving down this week. I'm kicking into 3rd gear now.. I've experimented a bit and know what and where I want to be in the next 6 months. Goals are goals..dreams are dreams...I walk the line found in between.

Stay tuned for some amazingness :D

The Happy Drunk Couple...

2009-08-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

That's a change of pace...Typically Paul and I get along wayyyyyyy better sober. Fun night. That's all.

The happiest place on Earth

2009-08-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

They say that Disney Land is "The happiest place on earth." Obviously, they've never been in your arms.

The other night, as Paul and I were getting comfy in bed, we were talking about how the vacation was going. We were the only couple who didn't really get in a fight the whole week...I told him that I was glad to be there with him and he responded by asking, "But do you think we a happy together?" At first I thought maybe he wasn't sure if we were happy but then it became quite apparent that he was merely asking if I was happy. I told him that I couldn't be happier with how far we have come and I couldn't be more in love with him. He responded, "Good, I only wanted to know that you are happy."

This really made me think that maybe I don't show it enough and then he made it even more clear...Even though the other couples had a few arguments they are very touchy and lovey dovey. This has never been the way we do things but he was just making sure that I knew how much he loves me and that he doesn't love me any less.

Silly boy..I love him.

Life is like tango...

2009-08-11T15:01:00.000-07:00

"Life is like Tango... sad, sensual, sexy, violent and quiet."

This quote describes me better than anything I have ever come across. A photographer told me this today in a critique forum on Model Mayhem. I feel like I have done my job with my portfolio when someone, without even knowing me, can sum me up in a quote.

Triumphs in the Kitchen

2009-08-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight I tried cooking fish for the first time :) It was a total success, so I thought I'd spread my recipe!

I call it Cajun Baked Tilapia :)

Ingredients you'll need:

4 Tilapia Filets
Cajun Seasoning
Lemon & Pepper Seasoning
Spinach
Red pepper
Yellow Pepper
Sweet Onion
Whole Grain Rice
Veggie of your choice
Smart Balance Omega 3 Butter Spread

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Bread 4 Tilapia filets in organic whole wheat flour
Sprinkle Lemon & Pepper and Cajun Seasonings over filets
Melt 4 tbsp of Smart Balance Omega 3 Butter spread and pour into baking dish
Place Tilapia into baking dish and heat in the oven for 10 minutes

In the meantime...
Bring 1 cup of water and 1/2 cup of whole grain rice to a boil
Cut 1/3 of a red pepper and 1/3 of a yellow into thin slices
Cut and even amount of sweet onion into thin slices
Start heating a vegetable of your choice as a side item (green beans are great!)
After the water in the rice has nearly boiled away, turn down the heat to a simmer and cover
Keep and eye on the rice and once water is completely absorbed turn off the heat and keep covered

Check the Tilapia after ten minutes
Flip each filet and sprinkle both seasonings on this side
Continue baking for 10-15 minutes

Melt 1 tbsp of Smart Balance spread in a medium skillet
Heat sliced peppers and onion on high, stirring regularly
Season lightly with lemon & pepper seasoning

Once the Tilapia is done take out of the oven
Place 2 fist fulls of fresh spinach in the skillet with the peppers
Stir for one minute and remove from heat

Now that the hard part is done...let's dress the dish!

Place a large spoonful of rice on a plate and tilapia over the rice
Peppers, onions, and spinach is piled on top of tilapia
Veggies on the side!!

Enjoy!! :)

Does this make my butt look big? GOOD!

2009-08-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

UGH!!! Nothing fits me anymore...even my itty bitty bikini I bought earlier this summer. I've been eating healthy and working out when I can and the results are amazing. Especially now that I am nearly half way through a 7-day complete cleanse. I can't believe how much of a difference I can see on the 3rd day :) I do worry that I am losing my butt so I have been skipping the elevator and taking the stairs(7 floors!!!) instead. I hear stair climbing works as a good butt lifter ;)

Paul and I got in a little tif earlier about money...AGAIN. This time was because I had to break it to him that I will probably be a little short on money for the move at the end of the month. He flipped strictly based on the fact that I haven't really been able to save anything and everything I do make gets spent and now I wanted to buy a bathing suit for our vacation. I had to explain to him that everything I do spend it on is necessary, even a bathing suit since all of mine are too big...it's not like I'm buying stuff I don't need (like I reallyyyy want to!). He ended up being understanding and let me buy the bathing suit :) And he's willing to cover what ever I can't afford for the move. When he returned from the gym...he found me on the balcony eating my yogurt, asked if I bought the bikini(of course I had!), smiled and kissed me. God, I love this man.

Indecisiveness

2009-08-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

Aaaah!!! I have hundreds and hundreds of images to go through...I keep looking and I can't decide which ones to use. I need a vacation and thank god it's only a week away.

I love him...

2009-08-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

...with all my heart. He makes my world worth while. He is the one...the one who makes my heart race; the one who makes me blind of any other man; the one who gets me and knows how to handle me at my worst.

I love him and he loves me.

Thank you, God, for sending Paul Kelly :)

Amazing

2009-08-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

My modeling venture began early this year and has come farther than I could ever imagine. Only a few months into it, I began getting paid for shoots...and now I have photographers asking if they can fly me to places like New York City, Toronto and California. I can't wait to actually go to these amazingly awesome places!! I feel like I am in disbelief...but I apparently made a really good decision when I didn't get another job after getting laid off. At this point, I can almost say that I do have a real job...Modeling :)

In this huge process of moving to the beach, the thought of getting a 'real' job had crossed my mind. A job like that would take up my entire week, when I would typically be shooting. I guess I am in luck with where we are moving...In Norfolk, if you work at the right bar, you make an average of $400 a night!! I would realistically only have to work 2-3 nights a week and be making an amazing amount of money. This would also allow me to go back to school and finish out my degree in a year :) And then I'll be able to finally start my business and get the loan I need to do it right. Everything is finally panning out and life is beyond amazing!

Confessions of a Shopaholic

2009-08-03T21:34:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while I reinvent myself; changing the way way I dress, do my make up or even my hair style. You've gotta keep 'em on their toes, right? RIGHT!

So, it's about that time again and all I wanna do is go shopping to fill the gaps in my wardrobe and complete my new style. One problem...lack of money and boyfriend. They are linked so tightly right now that there's no way I could get away with spending the money I do have on anything right now. UGH! All because we are moving and going on vacation this month, money is super tight and he doesn't want me to go shopping. Doesn't he understand that a woman just isn't the same without retail therapy?! Apparently not. I bought two amazing pairs of shoes the other week since I was going to be in a fashion show...He was soo pissed but he got over it once he saw them. Lol

I had to go to the mall today to buy some new skivvies for some Zivity sets I am shooting tomorrow. He approved of that... but in my shopping excursion, I also found tons of things that I want to buy for myself. It took every fiber in body not to buy anything except what was needed for the photo shoot...FML

God, can you please fix this and give me a money tree??

The real me :)

2009-08-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

If you are following this then you know me from my modeling portfolios spread over the internet...I was bored the other day waiting to go to the pool and had a photo shoot with myself ;) Lol

What a weekend!!! My set on Zivity.com is doing amazingly well and I'm feeling such an overwhelming sense of glory. Like I said in my previous post, it was a pretty conservative set compared to others on Zivity and I was kinda worried that it just wouldn't get the votes because of it. Apparently that isn't a problem!! People are LOVING it! YAY!!

Today I woke up and didn't realize it was Monday, the start to one of my busiest weeks yet. I still have to prepare for a HUGE shoot tomorrow down in VA Beach and I have a photographer who wants to meet with me today...Ugh! Don't get me wrong. I am absolutely thrilled with how far I have come with modeling and how nice it is to get paid on a regular basis . It's actually becoming a really good source of income. Woohoo!!

Busy Little Bee with a Purpose

2009-08-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

Aaaah!! My first set on Zivity.com was FINALLY published today after two and half months of waiting. WTFrack? Only hours after being up, I have 17 votes. Not bad considering it's one of THE only sets that doesn't involve any nudity...and I'm damn proud of it. It's not that I have a problem with nudity. It's just not something I can do. Call me prude I guess. My goal is to bring sexy back to the way it used to be, when guys liked a little mystery. That's my purpose and my goal. My second set, as mentioned in my last post, is much sexier than the first. Dressed in my boyfriend's ginormous button down and a polka dot pair of boy shorts, I am posed as the devine temptress who is nothing short of mysterious. I can't wait for this set to be published.

I have three others in the making as well...let's just say one involves a camcorder, the other a deck of cards, and another strawberry syrup and whipped cream. Oooh la la...

I would highly recommend you join Zivity.com within the next month to see these sets ;)

Changing Gears

2009-07-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what has gotten in to me lately but I'm feelin' sexy and it's coming out. At 25, I can say that I am finally fully aware of my body and quite comfy in it. I'm slowly letting this out; creating another set on Zivity.com with Tony (Ynot Photography), as well as shooting with two other photographers in nothing but skivvies. I knew I would eventually end up going down this path. But hey! What better time than summer when I'm nice and tan ;) The picture to the left was taken in a shoot I had in Baltimore with Jim Wrigley. I can't wait to shoot with him again!! Another new edition to my ever expanding portfolio is a wicked shoot with the amazing Sarah Beth Faison :) The shots are amazing and have a much more alternative look. I can't WAIT to revamp my port and really change gears. I'm down shifting...but I'm not slowing down.

In other news...Paul came across the tv series Battlestar Galactica. RIDICULOUS!! I don't know why but he has become hooked, like he typically does, and downloaded every show from day one. The funniest part about it is that they say the 'F Bomb' a lot. Even funnier... these are the edited versions so it comes out as Frack! WTFrack?? Frack me! Frack YOU! Funniest frack ever....I'm done. Night!

Pretty Girls and Fashion Shows

2009-07-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

One of my friends Jason Primrose, of Primrose Productions, is taking VA by storm with his killer fashion shows. They feature some of the most beautiful clothing and women that you can find locally in Richmond. Being his friend gives me the privilege of being one of those women and I love it. I was in my 4th show ever last night and it was by far the most fabulous! :) The clothing was by Cache and Karen Millen. I want every piece of clothing that was there . . . Stunning. The most exciting part is that this show was held in DC, making it Jason's first show ever outside of Richmond. It was an absolute hit!! My only hope is that he can continue holding shows up there, and has them more often. I don't have the height to be a runway model, so this is really my only way of doing something I love. Why can't I be 2 inches taller??

After the show, all of us made our own dance floor and drank the night away for free. This was an absolute blast but definitely had its repurcussions in morning. I had three shoots scheduled for today and ended up having to cancel the first one, which was paid. Then because I wasn't getting paid, I couldn't make it all the way to Baltimore and back to Richmond. This really sucked because they were all killer shoots. Luckily all of the photographers were more than understanding and will all be rescheduled for the next two weeks :)

The Rythm of Love

2009-07-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

We have somehow fallen into a simple rhythm...

I cook...he cleans...and he thanks me in between :)

We're certainly nowhere near perfect. We have our arguments; stupid ones usually. Today we fought over money, how typical. Although we have our conflicts, I still have no complaints. He has never failed to apologize first, even though it may be when I am in the wrong. I love this man with all my heart and know that he feels the same. I like to think that I am a person of simplicity, yet I know I am not easy to put up with. He handles me with rigid care if that makes any sense; not babying me like the princess I've never been, but instead pushing me undetectably in the right direction; always ending with, "I love you." It works.

It has been over two years since I met Paul and he is still my one and only...and I am his.

If only he knew...I love you too.

Moving Eastward & Down

2009-07-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago Paul had mentioned getting out of Richmond. Great idea...but so much easier said than done. A week later, my sister, Kelly, told my Mom that her tenant living in the beach condo(Norfolk) had never paid rent. They were forced to make an agreement with her to pay or go in July. Of course Paul and I got all excited because if that did happen we would be a total shoe in to take over her lease with no credit check or deposit.

July rolled around and SHE PAID! What the hell? She never paid a dime for 6 months and then has the money?! It was just our luck I guess. We're still crossing our fingers for her to default again in August, which would end her stay at this totally awesome condo, right on the beach.

We do have plenty of options though. We just can't decide until August 5th. Paul has plenty of friends down in Norfolk/VA Beach that have extra rooms. We can always stay at one of these until we get a place of our own, so it's really no biggie. I just can't wait to move!! No matter what, we have to move by August 15th. That's when my lease is up and my furniture has to go somewhere! Also, we're going on a super fun and cheap vacation on August 16th through the 22nd...so it'd be nice to at least have my stuff down in Norfolk already, but we'll see.

Take me to the beach!!

The Boring Diet

2009-07-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Today Paul told me that a friend of ours, Talya, had mentioned how great I was looking. She asked him if I was on an organic diet and he quickly returned with, "No. She's on the boring diet with me. Eggs, tuna, turkey, chicken and rice." When he told me this, I was a little turned off since I am typically the cook in the house, always spicing up a good meal for him. I almost never make the same dinner two nights in a row and he never complains, however it is usually the same equation: Chicken, whole grain rice, with either vegetables or peppers and onions and whatever spice I feel like using that night. He must not be able to taste the difference between curry and cajun. Oh well! I don't find it boring...

The truth is, that yes, my diet consists of 1/3 organic, 1/3 all natural, and the other 1/3 healthy normal stuff :) I love it because I do get a ton of variety in my daily eating in between the smaller portioned breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I guess to a guy, who's in between meals are always a protein shake, his diet would seem a bit boring and monotonous. Sucks for him! lol

**The picture above is a delicious concoction of mine. If I remember correctly it is cajun roasted red peppers and onions with grilled chicken and pineapple over whole grain rice. The chicken was marinated in a mango salsa. The same salsa was drizzled over the dish after preparation. Boring? I think not!

Informal Introductions

2009-07-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

Hello World!! Welcome to my blog! As you may have already seen, I am a day dreamer. This first blog will help you get to know a little bit about me :)

Ever since I was a little girl, I was unique.
I was the girl who just never quite fit in, but was friends with most.
I am always filling my time with something creative and fulfilling.
My favorite thing to do is just be in the sun...anywhere anytime.
My first animal was a fish. I continued on to get a dog when I was 4, rescuing another dog when I was 19, and my latest, an adorable little cat that I rescued from a shelter. You'll probably hear about her every once in a while :)
I have an amazing best friend, who is also my boyfriend. His name is Paul. You'll get very well acquainted with this name. lol
I've done marketing since I was 17 and it's definitely something I am passionate about and could do til the day I die.
I was laid off from my most recent marketing venture in March.
I turned down two job offers to instead start my own marketing business :)
Modeling has been another thing that has wondered my mind my whole life. This year I jumped in with both feet and now I am a regularly paid freelance model. YES!!
Three things that really frustrate me: Leather covered heels, not EVER having enough money, shopping for clothes or shoes(I can never find what I want).
Three qualities of people that really annoy me: Lack of confidence, competing with another person instead of yourself, being jealous of what someone else has. Ugh..just writing that annoyed me.
I've never traveled anywhere super cool...So, when I do, you DEFINITELY hear about it!

That's all for now! I'm spent talking about myself already...maybe blogging isn't for me after all. Just kidding! Stay tuned for more through the eyes of a day dreamer!!